Monday, 1 April 2013

A letter to the man who destroyed my innocence.

A letter to the man who destroyed my innocence.

By Suzzan Blac – 1969.

To Don,
Just wanted you to know what has happened to me, since that first day that you came and got me.
This may not mean much to you, you may not even recall those two years that we had together. But this is what it did; and will continue to do to me.

I was sat in the garden playing with a stringed puppet. I was asking her 'if she liked butter' as I moved her face above the buttercups on the lawn, to see the yellow light on her chin.
Suddenly, your giant, seven foot shadow fell on me. I looked up at your smiling face, as you took my hand and said that you had something to show me.
As you led me up the staircase, I thought, that maybe you had a present for me.
But, when we went into the bathroom and you locked the door, I felt that something was very wrong and that I was in trouble.
You led me over to the toilet bowl, and I remember being very confused. Because when you unzipped your trousers, you kept telling me that 'I was such a good girl'.
I didn't know the words for what you did to me and made me do to you. All I thought, was that you were hurting and punishing me. But not in the same way that mother did.
So, just as I took mothers beatings, I took your punishment.
And, although, I did exactly what you wanted; I hated it so much, that I learned how to make the hurt go away, by turning all of the stains and marks on the bathroom wall, into faces.
And if I could do it really well, then it was like; I wasn't with you whilst you did those things.
And, when you punished me in front of mother, she didn't seem to mind, so I thought it was okay, because whenever she hurt me, I didn't know what I had done wrong either.
These punishments of yours lasted about two years, up until mother left you, after you had beaten her badly in front of us.

You may not remember any of this, but I certainly will for the remainder of my life.

I am going to become withdrawn, cynical and mistrusting of everyone. I am going to let others punish me in the way that you did, because I will think that this is how the world is and that I always deserve to be punished because I am always bad. You even told me that it was all my fault because 'I was so pretty'. 
Then, when I'm thirteen, I will take drugs and drink a lot of alcohol to escape these punishments, because I can't make faces out of the stains any more now that I'm older and I won't care if I die.

When I am sixteen, I will be abducted into sex trafficking and forced to do pornography and prostitution, because both mother and myself didn't care about anyone taking advantage of me, and I will accept this abduction as my own fault. I will blame myself,  because I was stupid enough to go to London with a complete stranger.

After that, I will become severely depressed, hurt myself and attempt suicide three times.
A Doctor will put me on Valium. I will think, that I myself am mentally disturbed, because I cannot recognise my own abuse. I will live with pain and trauma for the following years.

I will then give birth to a daughter and suffer incredible stress and flashbacks so I will go and seek professional help. This will cause me more stress and trauma due to secondary victimisation by family, friends and social workers.

Years later, I will paint images of your punishments and try to learn about other people like you.
I will find out, that there are millions of you, punishing millions of me, every minute of the day, all over the world. And this in itself will cause me untold distress. As will the fact, that so many of you will not get the punishment that you deserve.

And when I become a grandmother to an innocent baby will all begin again.

Every move she makes, every word that she speaks, every game that she plays...will remind me of you. You are always next to her.
And one night, when I stay over and sleep next to my daughter. My granddaughter will climb into the bed between us.
I will smile with absolute love and pride. But, it will only lasts a few seconds..because you will climb into the bed with us.
And, although I will try my hardest to get you to leave... you will remain with me until my dying breath.

From Suzzan
aged 8.


  1. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Thank you so much, and thank you for reading.

  3. Amazing. So many can learn from you. I hope you found some relief in writing this to that beast. You are such a blessing.

  4. Thank you Sami! well, like i said, he will always affect me, so it is important to let others know (esp.professionals) how far reaching the impact of sexual abuse is!

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  6. My love and support goes out to you. Your story and paintings are very very powerful. Please read my children's book for yourself and for your grandaughter to keep her safe. It is called Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept Jayneen Sanders xx

    1. Thank you so much for your words Jayneen, I really appreciate them! And your book sounds great..I will have a look, and hopefully other parents will too! x btw..I have just posted a video above of myself reading the letter!

  7. Very powerful.. you are one brave person, and have so well put into words feelings that are so hard to phrase, its so true, the scars never fade, it haunts us for the rest of our lives, I am a survivor too, of sexual abuse, for several long years before I could say no. My heart goes out to you...

    1. Thank you so much, I truly know and appreciate your words...and I'm sorry about your experiences..I've just actually posted a video of myself reading this letter..I feel that these things have to show others what sexual abuse does to us.

  8. so wonderful to hear your words. i pray for your peace every day. i hope you find relief in how much you help others by putting words and images to what some can't even speak of. you are a conduit of expression and release for those who are hidden within themselves at the hands of abuse. if there was to be any good that came from your experiences, it was that you survived and have chosen a path of light and healing and in turn, you will help many others. thank you for your honesty. amazing.

  9. Thank you so much Sami, I truly appreciate your wonderful words, they really touched me! I just cannot;will not! Remain silent in all of this! The more we all shout collectively,the scarier it will be for these childhood murderers! We need to shatter the silence of sexual abuse!

  10. Hello dear Suzzan,

    Hope are you doing alright, you are a very brave strong woman! I don't know what to say, or what to put to words but i just want to let you know that there are people out there who care about you suzan you are a wonderful person. You are doing an amazing job sharing your feelings with others letting them know they are not alone in this suffering, by expressing these! My good wishes are with you Suzzan, hoping that the beauty and the wonders of this world find you. You art is spectacular may your brush never stop Never lose hope the wounds of the past can heal! Sending love and light sister hoping see your face smile :)

  11. Hello Nizar, and thank you so much for your heartfelt words, they really touched me! And yes, thank goodness for the internet which is a wonderful platform for the connecting and sharing of survivors experiences, it's good not to be alone with them! Well, you made me smile!! :)