A letter to the man who destroyed my innocence.
By Suzzan Blac – 1969.
Just wanted you to know what has happened to me, since that first day that you came and got me.
This may not mean much to you, you may not even recall those two years that we had together. But this is what it did; and will continue to do to me.
I was sat in the garden playing with a stringed puppet. I was asking her 'if she liked butter' as I moved her face above the buttercups on the lawn, to see the yellow light on her chin.
Suddenly, your giant, seven foot shadow fell on me. I looked up at your smiling face, as you took my hand and said that you had something to show me.
As you led me up the staircase, I thought, that maybe you had a present for me.
But, when we went into the bathroom and you locked the door, I felt that something was very wrong and that I was in trouble.
You led me over to the toilet bowl, and I remember being very confused. Because when you unzipped your trousers, you kept telling me that 'I was such a good girl'.
I didn't know the words for what you did to me and made me do to you. All I thought, was that you were hurting and punishing me. But not in the same way that mother did.
So, just as I took mothers beatings, I took your punishment.
And, although, I did exactly what you wanted; I hated it so much, that I learned how to make the hurt go away, by turning all of the stains and marks on the bathroom wall, into faces.
And if I could do it really well, then it was like; I wasn't with you whilst you did those things.
And, when you punished me in front of mother, she didn't seem to mind, so I thought it was okay, because whenever she hurt me, I didn't know what I had done wrong either.
These punishments of yours lasted about two years, up until mother left you, after you had beaten her badly in front of us.
You may not remember any of this, but I certainly will for the remainder of my life.
I am going to become withdrawn, cynical and mistrusting of everyone. I am going to let others punish me in the way that you did, because I will think that this is how the world is and that I always deserve to be punished because I am always bad. You even told me that it was all my fault because 'I was so pretty'.
Then, when I'm thirteen, I will take drugs and drink a lot of alcohol to escape these punishments, because I can't make faces out of the stains any more now that I'm older and I won't care if I die.
When I am sixteen, I will be abducted into sex trafficking and forced to do pornography and prostitution, because both mother and myself didn't care about anyone taking advantage of me, and I will accept this abduction as my own fault. I will blame myself, because I was stupid enough to go to London with a complete stranger.
After that, I will become severely depressed, hurt myself and attempt suicide three times.
A Doctor will put me on Valium. I will think, that I myself am mentally disturbed, because I cannot recognise my own abuse. I will live with pain and trauma for the following years.
I will then give birth to a daughter and suffer incredible stress and flashbacks so I will go and seek professional help. This will cause me more stress and trauma due to secondary victimisation by family, friends and social workers.
Years later, I will paint images of your punishments and try to learn about other people like you.
I will find out, that there are millions of you, punishing millions of me, every minute of the day, all over the world. And this in itself will cause me untold distress. As will the fact, that so many of you will not get the punishment that you deserve.
And when I become a grandmother to an innocent baby girl...it will all begin again.
Every move she makes, every word that she speaks, every game that she plays...will remind me of you. You are always next to her.
And one night, when I stay over and sleep next to my daughter. My granddaughter will climb into the bed between us.
I will smile with absolute love and pride. But, it will only lasts a few seconds..because you will climb into the bed with us.
And, although I will try my hardest to get you to leave... you will remain with me until my dying breath.