|Me age nineteen- Self sexualisation|
During my many years of recovery from child sexual, emotional, physical abuse, rape and sex trafficking. I would read about psychiatric cases, pertaining to child sexual abuse and rape.
This was part of my PTSD and everything clicked into place. The pieces of my 'Jigsaw of abuse' had fitted into their places and although I wept and felt enormous pain and trauma, I at least understood myself.
Self abuse may sound like a paradox to many people. Why would a child who has suffered extreme abuse, choose to continue to abuse themselves as adolescents and young adults?
|'Bashing an Angel' oil on canvas|
I began destroying myself around the age of thirteen. Up until that time, I had been an obedient, yielding, submissive and extremely quiet girl.
I believe that the onset of puberty and hormonal activity contributed to a huge shift in my psyche. I felt a deep anger and a rage that had never surfaced before, something which I could neither recognise or understand.
I hated me.
I hated my body. I was unlovable and I felt used and worthless. I felt that I had been controlled so much by fear, terror and pain that I had no idea who I was.
I knew one thing though; That no-one was going to do whatever they wanted to me and my body ever again.
|'You're such a good girl' oil on canvas|
I was going to be in control...
So I began drinking heavily, taking drugs, partying and sleeping with many people. Mostly with people who were a lot older than me. I started wearing lot's of make-up and revealing clothes to attract and choose men who I wanted to sleep with. It was confusing though, because although I felt 'Empowered' by choosing who I slept with and enjoyed being held and 'Loved' I would just lie there and freeze, as I had done during my early childhood abuse.
|'Embracing death' oil on canvas|
I would push needles deep into my flesh, cut myself with razor blades or 'Rub out' layers of my weeping skin with my school eraser.
I would read the worst horror stories, true detective magazines, serial killer murders, holocaust experiences. I remember reading in a psychiatry book, many case studies where young women would mutilate their genitalia with irons and hot hair tongs. I read anything where people really suffered, in order to feel their pain and cry. But, no tears came..Nothing. I didn't feel anything, I thought I was a freak, a loony. A heartless monster.
One day I discovered my mothers 'Latest' boyfriends bestiality magazines. I couldn't believe that human beings could do that. It affected me for years. I lost all hope in human nature. It only confirmed to me; Just how vile and depraved they all were. I hated this world and I hated people.
Over the following years, the abuse continued within my family and also outsiders. There would be physical and sexual assaults and rapes. If someone hit me, I would adopt the foetal position and shield my head. If someone screamed obscenities at me, I would accept it without flinching. If someone raped me, I would freeze until it was over.
I had mastered the art of de-humanisation. I could take it. I was strong and tough. Do your WORST.
Or so I thought...
At sixteen I was trafficked into pornography and prostitution by a gang of men in London.
I thought that I knew evil very well, until they had me.
They showed me utter degradation, humiliation, power and control, with sadistic rapes, beatings, threats with weapons and the epitome of sexual abuse, via forced pornography and prostitution.
I became a fleshed robot. No thoughts, no feelings, no pain. Nothing. A robot that really wanted to die, yet really didn't want to die.
I had succumbed to whatever they wanted me to do or do to me. And I could smile whilst doing it, like an un-dead actress in a real horror movie.
And later on down the line, although I had physically escaped from those sex traffickers, my mind could not.
It was all my fault. Mine totally. I never told anyone, I lied about everything.
My stepfather didn't believe me, he knew something bad had happened. So he dragged me to a police station, in the hopes that they would extract the truth from me. The desk sergeant asked me in the public foyer, which was full of strange people. I was so terrified, because the man that had rescued me, knew where I lived and had threatened me about telling anyone, especially the police. I quietly told him that 'Nothing had happened'.
The dismayed desk sergeant told me 'Well, you are a stupid little girl for going to London with a strange man then'
He confirmed the belief that it was all my own fault.
Thus began the years of utter desolation.
I had been thrown into a deep, dark well, Had broken every bone in my body. And I knew, that nobody was going to come and help me. No-one.
I sank into a deep depression. I cut off my hair and became skin and bones. I developed weeping eczema all over my body, my clothes stuck to me. I would rub salt and vinegar into the wounds. I constantly scratched deeply into my intense itching skin until one day, I developed septicaemia. The dermatologist told me 'What on earth have you done to yourself, you silly girl'. Medical photographs were taken and I was hospitalised for a month.
|'Deterioration' oil on canvas|
I smiled at all the people that I hated. I hated myself and life itself.
I tried to kill myself a few times. The last time, after the attempted overdose. Not one of the hospital staff asked me 'Why?' They just did their job and discharged me.
I didn't want a relationship. I didn't want children. I just had sex with people.
That's all that I had been, that was all that I was good for.
Everyone hurt me, I hurt myself. It was what I wanted. I felt safe.
If any sign of 'Happiness' came my way, I would thwart it, cast it out. For if I accepted happiness, I knew I would suffer more. I was safe with the pain that I knew and I would be 'Lost' without it.
I didn't know that I had been abused until I was twenty eight years old. That's when I had my daughter. She was the catalyst to my own understanding and recovery.
I am a lot older and wiser now and when I see young girls and women displaying certain behaviours. I can easily relate and completely understand where they are coming from and the reasons behind those behaviours.
I relay this knowledge to social workers, who work with young people. The kind of young girls who have been sexually abused and are showing high-risk sexual behaviours are easily groomed by older males, who prey upon their vulnerabilities. We see cases everyday, such as Oxford and Rotherham.
Selling your body for sex becomes meaningless, when you have been used and abused as a growing child. Especially if you can reap rewards such as money, alcohol and drugs, that numb your mind and keep you in a robotic state. These men pretend that they care and are watching out for you. And if everyone in your life, including your parents, have hurt and abused you. They become 'Good' and 'Kind' people through your disturbed and warped perspective. On top of that, if you have always been treated as a worthless human being, then you become that. And being worthless,opens you up to every kind of abuse.
So, what could be a better way than to hurt yourself through pornography/prostitution (Which are the same thing- paid sex)
You get to both 'Continue to self abuse' and 'Gain rewards' Especially when you have been introduced into the 'Life' by those who are 'Looking out for you'
Now, I am not saying that every single person that works in the sex industry, is suffering from PTSD, substance dependant and is self harming. Although much research does point to that.
What I am saying, is that you should be mindful and aware that many of these young women who appear to 'Enjoy' being facially abused. choked, gang raped. Pounded whilst her head is down a toilet bowl, violently gagged until she vomits and then made to lick it up. Slapped, punched, electrocuted, whipped hard enough to show injuries and bruising. Humiliated and degraded as a worthless piece of shit and a whore that deserves punishment...
May well be. Are likely to be.
Given that high-risk sexual behaviours and self harm are a consequence of child sexual abuse and rape.
|Skin Diamond tortured at kink.com|
Whatever violence is dealt to women in porn, they will enjoy it. As they were shown this and became this as children.
Regan Starr-Filmed sexual assault interview
(Audio) of Regan Starr's sexual assault.. Khan Tusion with Anabolic Video Productions.
Danielle Williams- A porn stars pain
Speaks out about her child sexual abuse, rapes and violent pornography performances.
A vile pornographer degrading women being interviewed.
This is the hate speech of pornographers. They hate women because they were rejected by them or had bad relationships. They make money from humiliating, degrading and abusing women- What a great way for them to get their vengeance. (He reminds me of many paedophiles that call little girls whores, sluts and slags whilst sexually abusing them)
As soon as I began watching this porn performer speak. I immediately related to her robotic state. She has de-humanised herself to such an extent, that she talks about doing the most sexually deplorable and degrading thing, without batting an eyelid. She also describes being choked by a very dangerous sexual sadist (Legal sex offender) I would say. After she is choked into unconsciousness, watch what she does when she comes out of it..She immediately covers her breasts. That is an act of complete vulnerability and humiliation. (All of this is shown on the screen behind her as she talks about her book) In such a stoic and unemotional way, that it made me cry. I know this, I've been there. And to think, so many men demand this violent pornography and actually get off on it..
Oriana Small reads 'Choked out' (Warning graphic content)
Scene from Max Hardcore where he is trying to coerce a young woman to continue his facial abuse of her, after she ran away in distress.
For other samples and other reasons that young women enter the pornographic industry, please see my other blog post links here-