Unedited chapter for my book(that wasn't published)

Chapter twenty one:

My Ultimate Antidote

In order to balance 'all of my bad' into 'all of my good', I needed to find an antidote. It was never enough for me to 'just survive'.

I wanted to be a voice for, and ease the afflictions of other survivors.

I wanted to expose the perpetrators of abuse crimes, and I wanted to secure a justice for the horrendous repercussions that plague survivors.

I am on a mission and have become intransigent in my quest to help others...for that IS my ultimate antidote.

The reasons that I create my images are; that although painting them had been extremely cathartic for me personally, I then began to see them as a final act of my recovery, and the start of advocacy.

I wanted acknowledgement of what had been done to me. These atrocities are not just private 'domestic' happenings, these are crimes against children and should be recognised as such.

I also hoped to change the minds of the judgemental and those that impose secondary victimisation. To show the impact and the consequences of abuse, and shout to the world, that we are not all defects.

It's just that we merely suffer from post traumatic shock syndrome, which causes us to temporarily lose ourselves within our suppressed pain and distress, whilst trying to continue our lives.

And knowing that many people don't want to listen, empathise, acknowledge, or indeed condemn and isolate us; for sexual crimes are still taboo, unpalatable and antipathetic, and is as painful as the abuse itself.

So, I had to not only jolt the apathy of society, but try to enlighten them in an artistic, intelligent and sophisticated manner, as oppose to an angry, hostile or hysterical way, so that they may begin to listen and hopefully understand this universal atrocity.

Another reason, was of course; other victims and survivors.

No one had ever helped me, I didn't even know that I had been abused until the age of twenty four, I couldn't even recognise that fact.

Maybe if I had seen images like mine or had watched film or read stories of abuse, I would of recognised, acknowledged and accepted my own abuse.

So, hopefully when other people, who have been through such experiences, see my work, It will trigger their memories or jolt their own apathy and indifference; which is a manifestation of a survival mechanism, as in dehumanisation.

My other hope was that they would find the inspiration to succeed in their own recovery.

That it is possible to climb the mountain of agony, condemnation, rejection and humiliation and reach the summit of purity, freedom and self worth .

And to face and embrace that beautiful part of them, that they hide from themselves and the world.

My third reason was to empower the victims and survivors; for 'silence impairs the victims and empowers the perpetrators'.

I also have to be realistic in all of this, abuse will NEVER stop.

Yes we can report paedophiles and any other sexual or physical abuse that we may witness, but we have to face facts, these are just minimal occurrences, so we have to concentrate on the victims!

For instance I know that child sexual abuse will never stop. It will only ever increase and multiply by way of opportunity, accessibility and acceptability. For since the inventions of the camera, video, and especially the internet, child sex abuse has increased dramatically, as indeed, has child pornography and exploitation.

So, inevitably there are millions more children being abused in the world than ever before, since these innocuous inventions.

Unfortunately there are not enough funds, resources and man power to intercept and bring down these horrendous criminals who both know; and thrive on this tragic reality.

I also wanted to advocate a different, plausible approach; to prevent abuse, rather than deal with it's devastating after affects.

The primary empowerment of a child sex predator is 'secrecy'.

This ensures their safety against both personal and criminal repercussions, and allows them the continuation of the abuse of many victims.

Paedophiles are the most manipulative of people and will often swear the child to secrecy, usually by threatening facts or by imposing guilt and shame,and taking advantage of the child's susceptibility and vulnerability.

The only way to break this secrecy, is to disable the perpetrators power and hold over children, by advising parents and carers to educate themselves and their children about paedophiles.

Sexual abuse, like any other danger is very real, maybe more so.

And if parents think that teaching children about sex predators will mar their innocence, then think about this...what if a paedophile took their innocence?! What if a sex trafficker abducted your child?!; and you, as a parent had never warned them of the dangers?

I taught my children about sexual predators; I did it purely to protect them.

It was not a pleasant thing to do, but knowing that they were knowledgeable and aware made me feel that I did not fail them.

Paedophiles tend not to target confident, savvy and wary children. They generally pursue quiet, naïve and innocent children. And if you think that paedophiles are a rarity, then please do some research,. Find out how many 'registered' (not forgetting the unregistered,who in my opinion account for much more) paedophiles there are in your area alone; I know that the statistics will shock you.

It is not always just paedophiles that target children for sexual abuse. There are many other sex offenders (including parents) who abuse children mainly for profit. Those that are involved in making and distributing pornographic images, videos and web cam requests, prostitution and selling children into the sex slave industry.

There are two types of paedophiles. There is the 'exclusive' paedophile, who's only sexual preference is that of children. Then there is the non-exclusive paedophile who enjoys sex with both adults and children, often targeting single mothers; purely to access their children.

Let us not forget that many toddlers and babies (even newborns) become victims of these despicable people.

Paedophiles believe that children enjoy sex with them. They convince themselves that it is an act of 'love' (as in 'Boy lovers') and most of them will state 'that they would never hurt a child'! They also believe that they are persecuted for something that is perfectly normal. And that society is wrong to impose the age of consent, because children love and want sex with adults. This is all to justify their sexual lust and gratification, and an attempt to minimise the severity and damage that they impose on innocent children.

What also vexes me is societies part in the sexualisation of children. From the selling of sexual underwear and provocative clothing to girls as young as eight years old, to the obscenity of the 'pageant princesses', multi billion dollar industry.

I cannot comprehend as to why people would sexualise 'even toddlers' in order to win less money than they paid for the clothes, and cheap, tacky trophies in beauty pageants. And I can imagine just how many paedophiles are judges, or are sat in the audiences taking photos and recording videos of these sexual 'baby doll's' to masturbate to, when they get home.

The sexual predator targets specific characteristics and vulnerabilities such as children who are already abused, that are neglected, in dire poverty, or are runaways.

They also prey on shy, introverted, naïve children who lack confidence, for these children are more easily manipulated than children who are confident and aware.

There are web pages on the internet that appeal and cater for paedophiles, including 'jobs with access to children' which include ice-cream sales men, children's shoes salesmen, scout masters, swimming instructors, youth leaders, Christmas store Santa-clauses...the list goes on.

Paedophiles do not look like weirdo's, who stand out in a crowd. They are found in every walk of life, they are Doctors, Policemen, Judges,Teachers, Psychologists, Soldiers, Postmen, Bus drivers and builders.

Some of them are known as 'Career Paedophiles' who pursue and prey on children- 24/7.

it is their life's mission to have sexual relations with as many children as possible. Many of these men victimise hundreds of children each year, often travelling abroad to poverty stricken countries like the Eastern block, where obtaining a child for sex is as easy as buying a hamburger.

Paedophiles fantasises also tend to escalate over time. They may of started by just looking at a few pornographic images, but the fantasy dwindles, so they have to find more 'fresh meat', often downloading thousands of images that they also share amongst other paedophiles on the internet.

What I am about to say next may shock and upset you as it does me, but the reason that I write this is to relay just how evil many of these men are, and if you find it too hard to read, then think about how the children felt, and if they are still alive, how they deal with the after effects.

There are endless images and videos of children on the internet of being sexually and physically abused, many of which are what the police term (level 5-7) which include babies being vaginally and anally penetrated. Children being sexually mutilated and tortured.

Children being penetrated by animals, gang and throat raped. Children being horrifically murdered. And these images are being masturbated over by paedophiles, and if caught in possession of such images, are maybe just sentenced to a few years in prison. Downloading these images is the same as abusing the children within them. For if there were no consumers of child pornography, there would be no child pornography!

I know of women in this country who are serving two year sentences, and have their children put into care for not paying their T.V licence, yet many paedophiles are not incarcerated for downloading child pornography.

I ask myself everyday; why do we allow this? Why does the judicial system still put property before people? Why are people not campaigning and lobbying?
Maybe its just because...they don't want to have to deal with such horror, and its easier to turn a blind eye. They know that its happening, they would rather not deal with it. Maybe saving trees and dolphins is much more palatable, much more acceptable,and which aptly suits their lifestyle.

It is not long before they want to turn their fantasies into reality. They want to have real sex with children. Today, that is as easy as ordering your shopping online. They are able to order a child online, and within hours, they are able to rape children as young as they desire.

Many of them photograph or video their conquests in order to relive the fantasy and share their prize with other paedophiles in order to gain respect and kudos.

They also prowl the internet for trusting teens with low self esteem, who crave attention; often fabricating false profiles by pretending to be teenage boys.

They also research into what 'kids are into' and develop and adopt the traits of teenage lives by keeping up with what's happening in the world of music, games,t.v programmes, fashion etc...

In police experiments where officers have pretended to be young girls, they have been contacted by paedophiles within just ten minutes of being live.

In many cases, the paedophile had contacted, shown a photo of his genitalia and arranged to meet the 'child' within just 20 minutes.

In one incident where a teenage girl was lured and murdered by a paedophile, he had not only fabricated his own profile by pretending to be a boy; but had faked several others, including girl friends. So when the victim emailed the 'girls', they wrote back to her, saying that he was great to know and a fun boy to be with, and that she should definitely meet him.

I never allowed my children to have a computer in their bedrooms, they had use of only the family computer which was located in the dining room. I also discussed 'internet paedophiles' to ensure that they knew all about grooming and luring children to procure sex with them.

Paedophiles, as many professionals assume do not have a 'mental disorder'. It is merely a sexual orientation. It is an innate sexual preference. Just as there is heterosexuality and homosexuality; There is paedosexuality.

So these people can never be cured or rehabilitated, It would be the same as asking anyone to change their sexual preference. The other reason that they cannot be rehabilitated is because they simply 'don't want to be', they believe that society is wrong and they are right. They prefer children and they will never give them up.

And although their sexual preference is most unfortunate, it causes long lasting trauma, distress and untold damage to children. So it can never be tolerated in any society, justified or practised in any form.

And no matter how convincing a 'reformed' paedophile may appear to clinicians or the judicial system, let them not be fooled, for they are just using their incredibly cunning and artful manipulative skills to get back into society; in order to seek and claim their next victim.

Only recently, and yet again I heard of a judge's leniency of a convicted paedophile who had, in the judge's opinion 'suffered enough' because of the impact on his business. Or that he was an upstanding member of the community.

I cannot relay to you how angry that makes me!

In my opinion, sexual assault and rape are secondary to murder. The long term psychological suffering and trauma of the victim is immeasurable. My feelings are, that the judicial system needs educating, not only in the understanding of sex predators, but of the impact on the victims.

There needs to be a universally revised legislation regarding sentencing of sex predators.

The leniency and lack of consequences is both a mockery and a diabolical injustice to the victims, whom society fails on many levels; thus further empowering the perpetrators.

I also wanted to expose the horrific crimes of sex trafficking, and the related factors such as pornography and prostitution. I am so extremely vexed at the acceptability and ignorant attitudes relating to this subject matter.

For those who judge, Instead of condemning these people, take a second look; and ask yourself 'WHY are they doing this?' for so many of these people (like myself) were, or are abducted into this industry. Some were horrifically abused, and some of them have been exploited since they were infants. Many of them using drugs to suppress their pain of the abuse, but need the money to fund their habits. It is a vicious, perpetuating cycle that they cannot break.

I also wanted to be a voice on behalf of the victims of rape and enlighten people who do not understand this highly taboo crime, Rape is not as many people assume, a sexual act brought about by the carnal and primeval needs of a desperate male, to gain sexual gratification, enticed by a scantily clad female.

Rape is a weapon of power, control, debasement and humiliation, it is the ultimate offence, only secondary to murder. There can never be total closure because the victims psychological pain and trauma remains, exacerbated by secondary victimisation. Primarily stigmatisation, isolation, abandonment and condemnation, imposed upon by people who believe that the world is intrinsically fair and find it difficult to accept that a person can just be hurt for 'no reason' .

This leads to 'victim blaming'; that the victim must of deserved it by provocative clothing, excessive drinking or flirting. Leading him on, or young girls assuming the lolita persona, by mimicking a grown woman's sensuality and sexuality, and pursuing the male for a sexual experience.

Rape victims are often referred to as ' damaged goods' or 'soiled' which is as abhorrent as the rape itself.

There are many reasons as to why men rape. One being 'Anger rape' when the male possesses an extreme hatred towards women and the aim is purely to humiliate, debase and hurt the victim.

Another, is 'power rape' where the male compensates feelings of inadequacy. Raping victims feeds their issues of mastery, control, strength, authority and capability; to assert their competency and validate their masculinity.

The power rapist fantasises about sexual conquests and believes that the victim initially resists them , and once they overpower their victim 'she will eventually enjoy it'. Or as in the case of pimps and traffickers, using rape to gain power and control over their commodity.

Lastly there is 'sadistic rape' in which there is such a sexual transformation of anger and power that the aggression itself is eroticised. The excitement is achieved by inflicting pain and maltreatment upon his victim, he finds immense gratification in the victims torment, anguish, distress, helplessness and suffering, exacerbated by pornographic rape; in where the female secretly desires to be raped.

This leads me to the relationship between the sex industry and rape. The acceptance of the sex industry reinforces the fantasy which increases sexual violence against women, who are perceived as mere sexual objects who can be used and abused by males.

Pornography is so dangerous because it eroticises the domination, humiliation and coercion of females.

Studies have shown the link between sexual offenders and pornography that positively correlates to sexual assault by endorsing such fantasises. Some offenders believed and insisted that their victims not only enjoyed being raped but also enjoyed the violence.

Therefore pornography leads to a higher acceptance of rape, violence and other myths against women and general sexual callousness; this also applies to child molesters and child pornography.

So, in conclusion ; yes I paint paedophiles, rapists, perpetrators of abuse and pornographers, and I write about 'the things that people don't want to talk about' because they should be talked about!

They should not be swept under the rug. These atrocities against human beings should be faced, dealt with, understood and addressed.

Child abuse is a root cause of many of life's sufferings and problems, ranging from depression, suicide, anger, alcoholism, drug dependency, prostitution, promiscuity, self harm..the list goes on...

We are failing our children by not talking about these taboo issues; by not protecting them; by not educating them; by not listening to them and by not facing the harmful realities that are present in every city, every town, every village and even in their own homes.

Ignorance is not bliss, ignorance is incompetence, inexcusable and highly dangerous.

So I ask all of you... no I plead with you, as parents and carers..please..please educate and protect your children.

Keep them from harm, keep them safe so that they never have to go through anything that I did...that they may never have to face the real monsters in this world.

Why are we not teaching our young children about sexual abuse, instead of just dealing with the aftermath?

Why are we not teaching our young children about sexual abuse, instead of just dealing with the aftermath? http://www.internetsafety101.org/pornography101.htm

I know that child abuse will never stop..it will only ever prevail and escalate, especially via the internet. What I cannot get my head round..is we teach our children about all the usual dangers in life, but not about one of the most dangerous..that of paedophiles and sexual abuse!! Research states that one in four children will experience different levels of sexual abuse, I think that it's possibly more. Yet we warn them plenty about 'dangerous roads' or 'dangerous dogs' etc..I think that it's because sexual abuse is so taboo and people prefer not to talk about it, it's far too unpalatable to even think about. And it could marr their child's innocence. I have heard parents say, "the school want my seven year old to receive sex education lessons, I think that is way too young!"
What they probably don't know is that more and more children now, have seen hard core pornography before they receive sex education! I know of 5/6 year olds who have seen the worst, most violent porn, including bestiality!! And of course, children are being groomed and abused on all community sites, there is even hard core child porn on facebook!

Times have changed..There is no longer innocence in this pornified and sexualised society of ours.

So would it not be better to teach children about the 'real world' in the likelihood that a paedophile will take their innocence and marr the child with psychological damage for the remainder of their lives??

My thoughts on Resiliency

Resiliency.

If it's of any interest, I can tell you how I became resilient.
I am a survivor of prolonged physical and sexual child abuse, numerous rapes and sex trafficking. During my initial therapy, I needed to go through many stages of recovery, including acknowledgement,acceptance,anger, indignation and grief of lost childhood, to name but a few. Following the therapy, and although I felt somewhat relieved after relaying my trauma. I still hadn't found closure. It was just not enough to be merely a 'survivor'. I came to realise, that my trauma would remain with me and that I had to 'manage it' or it would interfere with my daily life. And the way I did that was to paint images of my story of abuse in chronological order. Firstly, I painted for myself, I wanted to capture my traumatic thoughts onto canvas, so that they became tangible and therefore easier to process. I had no photographic evidence of my abuse, only my memory and emotions could provide that within the medium of paint. I would create these images from subconscious doodles, because any logical thought thwarts your true feelings and limits your creative boundaries. To cut a long story short, I then began posting my art and my story on community websites and received hundreds of messages of thanks from other survivors for giving them a voice. This was it, this was turning all of my 'bad' into 'good'..this was my antidote...I have also had my memoirs published and my art and insight are being utilised into teaching/training programmes for clinicians, social workers, police and other advocates to aid/extend their knowledge base and insight into the areas of abuse,trauma,recovery,secondary victimisation and resiliency. May I also say that empowerment really does stem from breaking the silence and the self discovery that you are not merely a number, a statistic or a defect...and that you can put your abusers in the that dark,desolate place where they once left you...by exposing their crimes to the world.  

My thoughts on secondary victimisation

Secondary victimisation.

 I think that there are many different reasons why 'people don't want to talk about sexual abuse. For one it is still considered 'taboo'' You can talk about being mugged,being robbed, being physically attacked..and you receive sympathy.
But..God forbid you want to talk about rape,sex trafficking or child abuse..then it's ...'Tumble weed' silence..and a quick change of subject matter. I also think that there is (especially within the judicial system, owing to the lenient punishment) that there is a mindset that 'some men just 'can't help themselves' I read many cases where paedophiles have thousands of child pornographic images and videos, and the judge has given credit for their 'honesty' and 'guilty plea' and have let them go free 'because their business had suffered or they were an upstanding member of the community! Yet child pornography only exists because of the 'Demand' of paedophiles!
Others like to think that the world is intrinsically fair, that 'humanity can't inflict this much suffering onto others' Then you get victim blaming. 'Oh she must be lying to get attention' Oh she must of been promiscuous or teasing the poor man,drunk and not wearing much' Oh she must of provoked him, he lost it and hit her' and if it's defenceless children or old women..they would rather not read or think about it. Secondary victimisation is just as painful as the abuse itself. In the media, you only really see 'celebrity' or 'prominent high profile perpetrators' sometimes running for weeks.
This is good in spreading awareness, but they are only really exposing them to sell newspapers etc..
What about the millions of us who were sexually abused as children,repeatedly raped or trafficked into porn and prostitution?
I think that the survivors who speak out, are incredible heroes, we, it seems are the prominent ones who are spreading awareness and letting everyone know that we are not silent defects,we are here to expose the truths of abuse, connect and help our brothers and sisters, who share this universal emotional pain,anger and trauma. And to expose our perpetrators to the world... by putting them in that dark,desolate place where they left us. I will never recover from the emotional pain, I can only manage it, and I do that by helping other survivors, that is my antidote.

Silence empowers perpetrators and impairs victims...and that..needs to change!

My thoughts on The affects of pornography on children and adolescents.

The affects of pornography on children and adolescents.

                             'What Women Want' Oil on canvas 2009

 There are so many factors that contribute to the sexual violence of girls and women. And I believe that one of the biggest and most pernicious contributors to that sexual violence, is pornography. I say that because pornography has become globally instantaneous, easily accessible and available to both adults and children.
 
 Before the internet, pornography consisted of magazines of 'Naked women' that adult males could buy from adult book stores. Or they could obtain illegal hard-core material through the mail. And some children may have discovered it hidden by older males. However, things have changed dramatically since the explosion of the internet.
Now, hard-core, sexually violent pornography has become 'Children’s entertainment'. And children as young as six years old are viewing this most abhorrent material at the click of a mouse.
They are seeing the most popular, mainstream, hardcore pornography, including gang rape, bestiality, incest, young teens getting anally ripped, fisting, women being urinated, spat and defecated on, being pummelled whilst their head is in a toilet bowl and other sadistic sexual violence. And all this is probably happening even before their first innocent, natural kiss.

 Many of the women in pornography are trafficked, sexual abuse victims, drug dependant or coerced. But these young minds are being warped to believe that women are dirty whores who love to be hurt,degraded and dominated.

Not only is pornography detrimental to children’s minds and bodies. I believe that there will be more sexually motivated 'Child on Child' assaults, which are incited by these early harmful 'sexual' experiences, who already possess the mindset of female objectification and human disregard. Adult male sex offenders fuse and eroticise sex and violence and when they have succeeded all violent pornographic materials which fuelled their fantasies. They take that next level into reality. This will happen at an earlier age to those males who are predisposed to sexual offending and have unrestricted access to pornography.

 Police officials in many countries are already experiencing an increase in sexual offences committed by children, including gang rapes.
 Sexual violence against females has become both accessible and acceptable via pornography by many children. Even young girls are led to believe that this is what adult woman enjoy and want.
 This is a very dangerous factor in 'Permission giving' sexual violence and the perception that females are mere body parts that you can act out your fantasies on and be incited by. It's easier to hurt or rape an object.
 I know that I have focused on just pornography, but I believe it is a highly significant one that is changing society’s views and beliefs. Especially that of young boy's who are receiving such a warped perspective of their first 'sexual experiences' by the exploitive and criminally induced pornographic industry.

 Pornographers target children. They want to perpetuate the next generation of porn addicts to ensure their extremely high profits. There are many ways in which they achieve their goals. One being the soft pornography and back page porn ads that children see in their homes and in supermarkets or porn pop-ups on their computers. These publications are owned by people like Rupert Murdoch. He is also a prominent shareholder in BskyB. Which platforms pornography channels such as Playboy,Telx, red hot tv. and 3D porn (That’s just one example)
Our culture is so pornified that it has become the norm amongst adults and children. It has seeped into advertising, the media,gaming, t.v. and the  music industry to such an extent, that there are no longer any blurred lines or boundaries. Girls are emulating the pop performers and sexually objectifying themselves. Their sexual education is often pornography and are being coerced into dangerous sexual acts in order to please boys. Boys also are being sexually educated by pornography and are becoming desensitised and incited by hard- core pornography, which degrades and reduces women to objects and body parts, that appear to ‘Enjoy’ sexual violence. I have noticed a definite increase on these disturbing child behaviours over the last several years. Unfortunately 'Pandora's box' has been well and truly opened and we cannot prevent or ban pornography, so we must go to the source. That source must be our children and we must teach them about the dangers and repercussions of the effects of pornography, sexting, grooming and the sexual objectification of women. We need to teach them about respecting and not using women. We need to teach them about real intimate, tender and meaningful sexual relationships, consent and body boundaries.

 Unless we act, and teach our children about this warped and violent pornified culture of ours...This evil will not only prevail, it will escalate to immeasurable consequences. 

The Children's commissioners report on pornography June 2016

Boy, 15, charged with raping two girls aged 11 and 13 and inciting child into prostitution/ pornography  

Boy, 14, raped girl aged ten after watching online porn

Ten-year-old boy revealed as one of Britain's youngest sex offenders

Boy aged 10 'raped male classmate in the school toilets as he acted out online porn 

Teenagers aged 14 and 15 arrested on suspicion of raping young boy 

12 yr old boy subjected 5 year old to porn on his laptop, then raped her.  

Pornography addiction worry' for tenth of 12 to 13-year-olds 

School sex crime reports in UK top 5,500 in three years 

Children as young as six have been questioned by police over "sexting" 

Boys of seven accused of rape as porn takes its toll

A 12-year-old schoolboy who raped his seven-year-old sister after he watched hardcore porn

New research shows four out of ten teenage girls coerced into sex acts

More than one in 10 children (12%) aged 12 to 13 have made or been part of a sexually explicit video and 9% are worried they are addicted to pornography

growing numbers of teenage girls with internal injuries caused by frequent anal sex

Children as young as six 'uploading sexually explicit content of themselves'

13 yr old boy shows young sister porn on his phone and re-enacts the oral sex scene

How online porn is warping the behaviour of boys with girls

The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People

 The Detrimental Effects of Pornography on Small Children

Why girls are having rough sex at 12

Tsunami’ of pornography (mis)shaping next generation: briefing

Porn's distortions need addressing at school, educators argue

boys are looking at porn not only before they’ve had sex, before they’ve even had their first kiss

a selfie of a 13-year-old girl posed on Instagram last week, with the words ‘Boner Garage’ scrawled on her bare tummy

My personal manifesto

My name is Suzzan Blac. I am an artist, author and advocate against child and adult abuse.

Below is a brief summary of my work as an advocate against child and sexual abuse. As well as a short personal manifesto. I feel that my work and experience would benefit other victims and survivors of abuse and be most valuable in areas of research or be utilised within teaching programmes to give much insight and expand the knowledge base of professionals.

I am a survivor of severe and prolonged physical, psychological and sexual abuse, which began by the hands of my mother, who physically and emotionally abused me every day of my life. She also enabled one of her boyfriends to sexually abuse me. I have experienced domestic abuse, both physical and psychological. I also grew up knowing paedophiles, including child paedophiles, who sexually abused me from when I was an infant until I was sixteen. I have experienced numerous rapes and I was abducted into sex trafficking and forced into pornography and prostitution. I have experienced PTSD, including self abuse, depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol dependency and suicide attempts.

In 2000 I started using my skills in art as a form of self therapy. I painted forty two images that portrayed my personal story of abuse. They are my expression of, not just a depiction of pain and trauma, but how each abuse made me feel. And also the consequences and reverberations of secondary victimisation, such as stigmatisation, isolation, condemnation and victim blaming, which I have personally experienced and is as painful as the abuse itself. I paint, to give a tangible voice and resonance to other victims and survivors, who cannot express their own atrocities, other than words that they they sometimes are unable to say. I receive many messages of thanks from survivors all over the world. This is how I personally manage my trauma, this is my 'antidote'.

My book 'The rebirth of Suzzan Blac' was published in April of last year. It documents my story of abuse, my recovery, resilience and my advocacy. It is available on Amazon and all good book site

I feel that there are many missed opportunities to utilise the valuable experiences of survivors of abuse. My secondary goal is to work alongside qualified mental health agencies, social workers, professors, police agencies and the judicial system. In order to assist them in a better understanding by my experiences and insight, which could expand and enhance their teaching programmes and/ or knowledge base. After all, I am 'qualified' by real life experience.

On the 13^th of March 2013, Andy Desmond (Director at Anti Trafficking Consultants Limited and ex detective constable of New Scotland yard) used my art in a training and awareness conference in Switzerland.

I am awaiting a recommendation, but this is what he said so far -

” I am just wanting to let you know that your art work plus you account made a strong impression with the persons who attended the event yesterday. Many of them were from law enforcement agencies here in Switzerland plus NGO's and also television and journalists.”

This was also proven, when I collaborated with professor Claudia Paola Tapia of Barry university, Florida. Who utilised both my art and my insight into the teaching programmes of trainee social workers. The following is her endorsement that she wrote for inclusion in my book.

"When I first saw Suzzan’s art, I had this feeling of falling into an abyss. Each piece flooded me with memory and experience and connected me to my clients in a way that I had never felt before. Her work was speaking directly to the endless stories of trauma and survival I have heard through my years as a therapist. I was teaching a Master’s Level Social Work class the upcoming semester at Barry University. I decided to contact Suzzan about the possibility of collaborating. My idea was to utilize her work and her story as a way of inciting in student’s the same feelings of empathy and visceral connection to pain, suffering and triumph that Suzzan’s work invoked in me.

I was surprised and elated when Suzzan agreed. In the beginning of the semester I shared our unique proposal with the class: students would work in groups by choosing a painting and developing a scholarly paper on a related topic. They were also asked to create a interactive art therapy exercise that was inspired by their topic and/or painting. Which ranged from human trafficking & child abuse to resiliency. It was an unorthodox classroom experiment designed to help students develop their knowledge base about critical issues to our profession, but also to develop awareness of the struggles faced by Suzzan in order to be able to better understand and empathize with their future clients. As a teacher and a psychotherapist, it was a tremendously rewarding experience. Suzzan gave herself completely to the experience and continued to communicate with me throughout the course, answering students’ questions about her life and providing me with support in managing the curriculum. The success of our collaboration was evident in the students’ diligence and insight, which grew as the semester progressed. Months later, as I worked with some of the same students again, I continue to be impressed by the depth of the impact Suzzan’s work and commitment to helping others has made on these students."

Professor Claudia Paola Tapia, Barry university, Florida.

ART IS WAR

I am a surrealist who expresses my emotions and feelings through the medium of oil's.Everything that I create is purely from my thoughts and imagination, for me that is the epitome of art, art is a personal visualization in which one can conjure up imagery that ordinarily noone can see, but through art, one can observe the innermost thoughts of another human being without feeling intruisive, and have the capacity to connect, identify and react to this universal insight. I have much to sayand I say it in paintfor painting is an instantaneous and powerful mediumthat challenges mindsand reverberates through history.